I have moments of assurance and moments when I have crises of confidence. It is all about knowing what I am doing and what direction I should choose for next year. I feel that I am equipped for normal births which I will get plenty of next semester, but I am unsure about the realm of abnormal. Admittedly what I am seeing that is abnormal does not always fall under the care of the independent midwife, but there are many instances where care is not transferred and the independent midwife has to manage the abnormal process in consultation. I feel that I would benefit from the relationships I would build and the experience I would get by going through the postgraduate programme. My feelings about this fluctuate depending on my experiences during the day.
Yesterday I went with one of the hospital midwives to take a full-term stillborm baby to morphology for post-mortem. The baby looked very peaceful. I felt sad at the circumstances for the family and that this peaceful baby never experienced life. I was shocked at the way the doctor handled the baby. She let the head flop. I guess this broke the illusion of a peaceful sleep. It wasn't that she didn't treat the baby with respect, but that the illusion was broken and the baby didn't need to be handled in the same way as a live baby. I don't think I could handle a dead baby like that.
